On today’s episode of No Bullshit with Alex Willis, you’ll score your own level of empathy and compassion, reflect on your upbringing, unpack your privilege backpack, flex your muscles of understanding, and rise about the noise. (02/04)
What’s it really mean to be empathetic and compassionate? Do I really need it to be a good leader? We hear these words together all the time: empathy and compassion. But you don’t have to be Mother Theresa to be an empathetic and compassionate person. And you surely don’t have to discredit your hard work and compare yourself to others when it’s unfair.
On today’s episode of No Bullshit with Alex Willis, you’ll score your own level of empathy and compassion, reflect on your upbringing, unpack your privilege backpack, flex your muscles of understanding, and rise about the noise. Alex tells personal life stories on how he navigates privilege and bias, and how treating teammates as unique individuals is key to leadership in the workplace.
In our second segment, The Level, we’ll broaden our definitions of our identity, and you’ll learn about how everyone is an “Agent” and a “Target” within power dynamics. As Spider-Man once said: with great power comes great responsibility.
Tune into our next segment, The Foundation, where Alex will discuss how we’ve all internalized inferiority and superiority within ourselves. You’ll learn how to unpack your privilege without guilt, and ask: What can I control when it comes to privilege? How can I use empathy and compassion to understand others, past their privileges (or lack thereof)?
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[00:00:00] Alex: Hey. Hey guys. Welcome back to episode six, in which we dive deeper into the impact empathy and compassion has on creating belonging environments. Now, in the first segment, we talked about the theory behind empathy and compassion, and why it's very, very important for you to do that, to create belonging environments, to create high performing teams so that you can be able to run through brick walls.
[00:00:28] Alex: In this segment, the level we're gonna talk about, some exercises you have to do to be able to build that muscle, and I'm a witness of this. I told you in the first segment that I am very, very, very, very low as it pertains to empathy and compassion. But I find myself getting better simply because I'm working at it, right?
[00:00:45] Alex: So big idea number one, and the level is this. In order to be able to flex that empathy and compassion muscle, you must understand that everyone has many identities. Multiple identities. I understand that, and I'm not talking about the voices in your head. No. Here's what I mean by that. You have to understand that you form more than what you just see right.
[00:01:07] Alex: Now. Understand this, most people, my friends, limit their identity to two things. They limited to their ethnicity and their gender. They say, well, I'm a black male, or, Hey, well, I'm a white female. Oh, I'm a Hispanic, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Asian, blah, blah, blah. Right? No, no, no, no, no. If you're gonna really begin to open yourself up to be able to.
[00:01:27] Alex: Flex that empathy and compassion muscle, you have to go much, much, much broader than that right there. Here's what I mean by that, Alex, what am I? Well, well, yep. I am a black male. I'm a husband. I am a business owner. I'm a girl dad. They have two amazing daughters, uh, leadership coach, passionate about hip hop, love country music.
[00:01:48] Alex: I mean, so, so you can see I broadened myself out. I'm broadening my identity out, who I am. All the facets of Alex's. Think of it like a diamond, right? You have all these facets around you that really truthfully make you who you are now, the more you are able to embrace those facets of yourself. And begin to throw that out to others.
[00:02:09] Alex: You can begin to connect better and be willing and able to have more empathy and compassion, true story for you. So hear me out. Normally I am not the guy who stops and gives money on the side of the road. No, not my deal, right? I'm actually the guy, as horrible as it sounds, man. I'll try to look straight sometime.
[00:02:29] Alex: I'm like, oh dude, just don't look over. Don't look over. Right. I know it's horrible. I know. You're like, damn, Willis, I get it. Or I'm the guy who, if there's two turning lanes, I get into the turning lane, uh, on the outside, so I don't even have to be next Right to the person asking for money. Oh, not good now, but here, several weeks ago I was in Chicago.
[00:02:48] Alex: There was a guy on the side of the road holding the sign asking for money. He had two little girls with him. Ah, got me. Yeah, man, I saw that and I immediately was able to connect with him because I opened myself up to a facet of myself. That's very important to me being a girl dad. So here's the deal, I went and made a U-turn, parked the car on the side of the road, got out of the car, came and talked with him before about 20 minutes, right?
[00:03:15] Alex: He was an immigrant from another country, going through some struggle, some time, some challenging time. And I'm gonna tell you, after hearing the story and seeing where he was and being able to connect with him because of the facet of my life that it's similar to his, I went to the ATM machine, pulled out my daily limit, came back and gave him the money and like, Hey man, listen.
[00:03:36] Alex: I wish you well, keep being an amazing dad. Take care of those girls. Now, I don't know some people in my class when they heard that story like, well, has he got you? But the more important part of this lesson is to understand I went against the grain of something I usually do to offer empathy and compassion to this gentleman simply because I was able to open myself up and see the many facets of Alex Willis and use that to connect with that guy.
[00:04:04] Alex: Most times we cut off the vow of empathy and compassion because we can't connect the people. We say, well, hey, listen, I'm not on the side of the room. I'm working every day. Hey, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. Hey, I'm not that ethnicity. I'm not that gender. I'm not like those people. Truth be told my friends, we as human beings are very, very similar to each other when we really break it down to our base needs, right?
[00:04:25] Alex: So, so the big picture is understand many, many, many identities. You gotta understand that the level things out, and to be able to flex that muscle of empathy and compassion, that's key. Now, the next two things I need you to really focus in on. Oh, this is some tough shit right here. I'm gonna be honest.
[00:04:38] Alex: Tough, tough, tough, tough, tough shit. But you gotta think about it, right? In our previous episode, in episode five, we talked about power, position, and privilege. Oh, if you haven't seen that, go back and check that episode out because it'll show you how those things fare out for all of us in the society in which we live now.
[00:04:58] Alex: But there are two identities you need to be able to think about that you have to be able to connect to that relate to power, position, and privilege. But then also it opens you up to empathy and compassion. Those two identities, I like to call them the agent. And the target, the agent and the target, my friends, now understand this, all of us, Alex included, we play both roles at times.
[00:05:22] Alex: We play the role of the agent as well as at times we play the role of the target. Now I'm gonna explain what both are because you have to think about 'em, and I want to really begin to make a correlation between these two roles that we must realize that we play at given times in our lives. And empathy and compassion.
[00:05:42] Alex: So, so I'm gonna read the definition off my screen really quickly. Wasn't an agent, an agent? Is this my friends agents are members of dominant social groups privileged by birth or acquisition, who knowingly or unknowingly exploit and reap un unfair advantage over members of the target groups. I'm gonna read it again.
[00:06:01] Alex: I know it sounds harsh, doesn't it? Who now, what is it? Members of dominant social groups privileged by birth. For acquisition who knowingly or unknowingly exploit and reap unfair advantage over members of the target group. Now, pause for a second. Let's slow down. I know some of you thinking Willis, there's no way possible I'm an agent.
[00:06:26] Alex: Bullshit. All of us are agents. Now, when we talk about this, most times we only think of billionaires, politicians, and people in high ranking, high powerful positions as being agents. When truth be told, within our own spheres of influence, all of us can be agents at times, right? Think about this, my friends.
[00:06:46] Alex: If you're listening to our show right now and you are a parent of younger kids, please, please, please understand you are an agent. That is the ultimate agent role. Why? Because you can say, shut up, dammit. Because I stepped so, and you don't have to say anything else. You don't even have to justify yourself to your kids.
[00:07:08] Alex: It could be the dumbest thing in the world that you're asking them to do. They cannot get a response back. Why? Because you are in the ultimate agent power rule. Because I said so and you better not say anything else. Right? Agent move. Agent move now. I need people to really begin to think about when and how they've been agents.
[00:07:30] Alex: Please understand if you are a manager or a supervisor agent role because you dictate people's future, what kind of work they do, how they do work. You can put mandates on people, and it's all because of what you think, how you feel. Sometimes we use it for good, sometimes we use it for bad, right? As I go through classes, oftentimes I try to share it with people that it doesn't matter.
[00:07:55] Alex: Disability, mental or physical ability. What your ethnicity is, what your gender is, what your sexuality is, your money's power, fame, or lack thereof, or your connections or lack thereof. You can always be an agent in construction agents all the time understand if you work for a large, powerful company agent.
[00:08:16] Alex: Why? Because you can then call smaller subcontractors and say, oh yeah, well we need this by tomorrow. And guess what? They'll bend over backwards because of the leverage you bring because of your company's name agent role right now. Why is this important? Why is this important? Well, this is important because number one, if you realize you're an agent, and let me back up for a second.
[00:08:42] Alex: Please, please, please understand there's nothing wrong with being an agent. It is what it is. My friends, sometimes because of your last name, sometimes because of your position, sometimes because of who you are, where you were born, how you were born, all that stuff makes you an agent. Now, I'm gonna use a quote from a famous movie, spider-Man right now, but with great power, huh?
[00:09:04] Alex: You know, it comes great responsibility. So when you realize that you are an agent, it's important to understand that the people you may have privilege over. Use it wisely. Use it wisely, so, so when I realize that I'm in an agent position, I can begin to turn on empathy and compassion for those I may have power and influence over.
[00:09:24] Alex: That's one factor. Now there's another factor, though, this empathy and compassion can also project up. Now when I understand that at times I can be an agent also. I can also have empathy and compassion for those who are in high ranking, high powerful positions. And when I see them misuse their power, why understand this?
[00:09:45] Alex: Maybe we don't do it as bad as they do. But if we're being honest, at times we use our power, our position, our rank to get what we want and we can be very selfish at the same time also. Right? So as a result of that, we need to understand that if we understand and can identify the agent role, it helps us when we see people who are really abusing their power as well as it helps us not abuse our power when we're leading those who are our subordinates, right?
[00:10:10] Alex: So, so that's key number one. Agent. Agent, agent. So I need you to pause for a second and think about it, my friends. When have you been an agent? When have you used your power to do something? I had one lady in our class, she said, oh, Alex, oh, I used that last week, man. She said, I got pulled over by a male police officer.
[00:10:30] Alex: She said, when he got to the car, I just threw my hair back, blinked my eyes at him, and dude, I was out of that ticket. I'm like, agent role man, had I did that shit, I would've been locked up man. Right. You locked me up. Right? I said, dude, what are you doing coming on to me? Right. Right. So, so understand.
[00:10:46] Alex: Ethnicity, gender, ah, it switches and all of us can be agents at given times. Now, at the same time, we can be agents. On the other side of that coin, we have the target. Oh, targets. Targets. At the same time, we can all be agents, and at times we can all be targets. What is the target? Well, I'm gonna read the deposition.
[00:11:04] Alex: Members of social identity groups who are discriminated against, marginalized, disenfranchised, oppressed, exploited by an oppressor or an oppressor's system.
[00:11:18] Alex: Now most people, when I say, have you ever been a target? Have you ever been discriminated against, marginalized, disenfranchised, oppressed? They're like, oh, yeah, yeah, dude, I re, I remember most people can relate quite frequent and easy with the target. Oh, I remember in 1942, man, they did this to me and you know, all that kind of stuff.
[00:11:36] Alex: Right. But I like to show, it makes us feel a little better sometimes to say we're targets versus saying at times we're agents also. But, but please, please, please understand we've all been target, right? If you are in a meeting and you are the lower ranking title person in that room target, you just try to skate under the radar, just trying to get by and ties because of your ethnicity, because of your gender, because of your sexuality.
[00:12:01] Alex: Yeah, you could be a target, discrimination, sexual harassment, all those type things, targets. Please, please, please understand. The group in my classes in construction that we have a tough time identifying as targets are usually, you know, no, no bullshit with Alex to, I'm gonna be honest with you, usually in my class it's middle-aged white males.
[00:12:21] Alex: They're like, Alex, oh man, I can't think of a time when I was a target man. I can't, I can't think of it. And so I have to help 'em out. I have to help 'em out, my friend, so. So understand if you are a middle-aged white male in today's time and culture with diversity, equity, and inclusion, damage your target.
[00:12:37] Alex: Why? Because just being middle-aged and white people assume certain things about you, racist. Oh, you are racist. You're like, dude, no, you don't even know this person. How can you say that? As a result of that, my friends, a lot of people by middle-aged white males, they don't even want to come to class because they're scared when they hear diversity, equity, and inclusion, that someone's gonna beat 'em up.
[00:12:58] Alex: Because our society's done what I like to call reverse racism. We've just kind of turned it over on someone else. Versus saying, how do we get rid of this shit for everyone and understand that we're all on the same page. We're all diverse. Diversity does not mean minorities and women only my friends. It means difference.
[00:13:17] Alex: It means different thoughts, different opinions, different ideas, different upbringings, different religious beliefs, different sexualities, all kind of things, right? Hair, no hair, all that stuff. And when we can begin to broaden that definition and understand that at times all of us can be targets, Ah, we can begin to work together as a team.
[00:13:34] Alex: Please, please, please understand that this thing of target an agent, it's a slippery slope because if I change one thing in your life, all of a sudden, you can go from age to target very quick. Right. If I change where you live or where you grew up or the environment that you're in, right? You go from being the majority to being a minority, right?
[00:13:57] Alex: Very quickly with one small change. And when we can understand that we can do a better job of connecting better together, working with each other. So it helps us to understand this. My friends, no matter who you are, what you look like, If you go back to that hierarchy of how we see people that we talked about in episode five, being at the very, very top, people who are at the top of our society have money, power, and fame.
[00:14:23] Alex: The next level down is network. If you have a strong network, the next level of your genders, specifically male dominant, right? The next level down is your ethnicity and at the very, very bottom visible disability. But please understand everyone on their hierarchy, at times, they can be an agent. Times they can be a target.
[00:14:42] Alex: Most times we only look at people on that list as targets. But please understand, I was at a company this week and got a chance to share with a massive company, major, major company. We're talking maybe 10,000 employees. And I said, Hey, listen, off of that group, if I had a Hispanic disabled female and she screamed discrimination, you damn sure better believe that company's going to shut shit down for her.
[00:15:07] Alex: They are not moving forward because they are scared to death. So she could use that as leverage if she wanted to and be an agent. Right. Whereas a middle-aged white male in that environment, if you say discrimination, they're gonna say, now, come on Fred, what's really happening? Right. They wouldn't take it as serious as they would.
[00:15:22] Alex: Someone who has those intersectional things of disability. Minority from a visible sense, right. As well as minority in construction because of gender. So understand agent target, very fluent, flipped quite a bit, but we're gonna dive in deeper to show why this is important that you are able to identify with this and how you can use this right here to flex that muscle and to gain.
[00:15:49] Alex: More empathy, more compassion for each other. But we're gonna have to stick around to the foundation cuz we're gonna have to lay a foundation to show how these two things play a pivotal role in you. Really being able to build stronger connections to be empathetic and compassionate. So I look forward to seeing you in the next segment, the foundation.
[00:16:07] Alex: See you soon my friends. I want to thank you again for tuning in to No Bullshit with Alex Willis, the number one go-to source for leadership development in the construction industry. Make sure you're subscribed on YouTube as well as your favorite podcast and platform, and make sure it hit play on that next segment.